I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
