I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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