I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
