The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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