what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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