apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
