HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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