Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
