I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Randomize