Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
