i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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