While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
