he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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