I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
