I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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