your thong is hanging out like whoa
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Randomize
