You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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