I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
