put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
