I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
