Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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