We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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