Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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