I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
