We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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