He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he was CRYING into my vagina
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
