i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
