I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
