we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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