I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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