I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
