I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
