the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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