I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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