It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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