Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
