I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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