I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
