I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
