Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
