there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just googled if crying burns calories
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize