Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Randomize
