I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
