Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Randomize
