if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
