I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
