Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
