I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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