What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize