first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
