i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
