mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
