I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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