I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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