my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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