i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
