I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
